Stuck In The 20 Somethins: You Don’t Have To Be

When SZA released CTRL back in 2017, it was a cultural reset (debate ya mama if you disagree), especially for the black women in their late teens and 20s. It showed a lot of us that the feelings of vulnerability and growing pains are real during our young adulthood and that we aren’t alone. Every track had a message, whether it was pertaining to love & sex, uncertainty of the future, self love (or lack of), and navigating through life with all of these raw emotions. Although CTRL is a validating album and it reassured ourselves that we aren’t crazy and that life truly can be a rollercoaster that never stops, a lot of people tend to look over the message. All of the songs and meanings behind them happened due to the lack of CTRL she had in her life.

“That if, if I lost control or did not have control, things would just, you know I would be... fatal” is the first line that we ever hear from the album, said by Solana Rowe’s mother, Aubrey, on the first song Supermodel. The song continues on soft, sad, guitar chords where she expresses that her and her lover are on different pages, and she doesn’t feel enough for them. We’ve all been there, not feeling up to par, feeling insecure. She expresses similar feelings on popular tracks such as Drew Barrymore, Love Galore, and Supermodel. Instead of leaving to go where she was appreciated, she felt like she had to prove herself to them, through spite and the loved they (once) shared. As young women, we tend to believe that the men we favor are special, when in reality, you can find somebody who wont make you feel this way, even after the honeymoon stage ends. What I’m saying is, do these niggas people how they do you! If they make you feel small, take that as your red flag, cause it majority of the time only gets worse. It’s understandable that red flags can look pink with rose colored glasses, but majority of the time, we’re in denial because of the feelings of how things are when they’re good. More times than not, a red flag appears numerous times, and regardless of the excuses one may bring, valid or not, they will choose themselves when it comes down to changing themselves or staying in their ways.

It says more about them than you, because it’s never your fault if somebody wrongs you. However, if somebody fucks you over and you choose to stay fucked up after is completely under your control. A lot of the time life throws unfair curveballs at us. Death, job loss, friend breakups, partner breakups, losing money, feeling alone, depression, all of it. It is okay to feel your feelings as a human being. And as you get older, the feelings become more prominent due to the growth in autonomy such

as a roof over your head, clothes on your back, the food you eat, how you get around, your job of choice, the limit is endless. To stay in a place of anger, bitterness, resentment, only hurts yourself. In order to feel these feelings in a positive way, you must feel them completely, as in processing the situation in a way that helps you express your pain, then letting it go. Lovers can be cruel. A lot of the time, your family will never admit their wrongs to you. Friends tend to become temporary depending on the relationship. Things do not work out. But those things do not define who you are nor who you’re meant to be. Healthy coping mechanisms, such as journaling, venting to a trusted friend, therapy, picking up a hobby, as well as not obsessing over the situation(s), spending time with loved ones, and even stepping away to address it whenever you’re ready can help ease this uncomfortable time. Just like I did.

Ironically, a bad situation that I could’ve controlled better by putting myself first, reappeared while working on this blog post. I lashed out on those involved, cried, and took some space away before I could even continue. Although I took the time to heal from it initially, up until that Saturday afternoon, I thought I was over it. It didn’t matter that I just affirmed myself the same way I’m showing y’all. My ego took an unexpected punch. I was done wrong, held onto it, and acted out of character. Anxiety and episodes and depression creeped back in. I let myself down, especially due to the growth I’ve dedicated to myself this year. However, that’s life, and using myself as an example, you must control your life decisions and be accountable in the choices made. CTRL can bring so much comfort with the problems the you have to deal with, but many of these are avoidable issues. Anything and 20 Something hit very close to home for me during this time. We want to feel valued and loved, but it doesn’t matter what others feel about you. Do you love you? How are you treating yourself? Even when the things we’ve put so much effort into doesn’t work out, you have to be confident in yourself. Failures and not so happy endings doesn’t mean your life is over, despite how it may feel. You learn your lessons and move differently the next time, whether it’s to prep better, make better decisions, set boundaries, it’s up to you. Does that guarantee that your next attempt will be flawless? Not at all, but to know you’ve done your part is enough. “And, y'know, while as I said it can be scary, it can also be a little bit comforting. Because I've learned that when I get to that point, and I can acknowledge, “...Okay, Audrey, that's as much as you can do," I can actually let it go...”, another wise piece of advice from Ms.Aubrey, found at the end of Doves in the

Wind. There is absolutely no point in obsessing in the situations you can’t control. It’s best to learn from your mistakes and no longer concern yourself with them, some advice I, too, need to take. And when you’re done with whatever and whoever, remember to lead with love, and speak with grace. When it no longer matters, it shouldn’t follow with shade. It actually shouldn’t follow with anything. “You don’t have shit to say to me, I don’t have shit to say to you... If you don't like me, you don't have to fool with me. But you don't have to talk about me or treat me mean, I don't have to treat you mean. I just stay out of your way. That’s the way you work that one,” wise words from her grandmother, on the end of Garden, may she rest in peace. When you don’t care, it doesn’t come up. Resentment versus not caring is a thin line, with feelings right in between.

CTRL became internationally known and loved by everyone, including President Obama. There has been 18 awards, 60 nominations, including nine Grammy nominations. Since its release three years ago, it has yet to leave the top 200 Billboards. Not only have we started to see black women mental health become taken more seriously but more self love began to take place, and more young, black women became okay to talk about their struggles openly and vulnerably. There was a message for everybody on the album, and it delivered as one of the greatest artistic experiences in a while. As mental health became more prominent, so does self care. Growing up into adulthood is tough, as there are so many factors that high school and college doesn’t prep you for in the real world. The one that will be through it all, regardless of how the course of life changes throughout time is yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Write down what you’re grateful for. Embrace all parts of who you are. Breathe. Sing those songs when you’re happy, sad, wen resonating, but know that you have the ultimate power to control your life, regardless of the circumstances. You’re not stuck in young adulthood, you grow in young adulthood. Believe in yourself, there will already be so many people doubting you, don’t let yourself become one. Stand strong, and do your best of what YOU would like to do in YOUR lifetime. Don’t be afraid for scrap and idea, thought, habit, or person, to start over again. Time doesn’t defy odds. Opportunities are endless and so are you. Don’t forget to have fun and enjoy life’s journey along the way. Good luck in these 20somethings.