The Art Of The Backslide
Being single is great! It’s a time when you can live your life as you see fit, do what you want, do who you want. But, what happens when the piercing grip of loneliness settles into your bones? The random hookup from the night before who was nice, is not the person you want to be waking up next to. You want the familiar comfort of someone who has been in that spot before, the person who has seen the crazy morning bedhead, the person who smelled the nasty morning breath and still stuck around to kiss you good morning. That is when you find yourself reaching for the phone, searching up that number that you swore you would never dial again. The one with the black broken heart, whose name has been changed to DO NOT CALL. Against your better judgement and against your therapist recommendations, you hit call. Just like that, the voice of the person who broke your heart answers out in a shockingly sweet tone saying “Hi, baby. How have you been?” You’re drawn back in, simple as that.
Though that is the generic way in which you backslide, the most common way in which most people complete this task. For some, like me, the decision to backslide was actually more of a continuation of a relationship that stopped benefiting both parties. After my breakup I decided to stay friends with my ex. I know everyone says that it doesn’t work, but I naively thought it would be different for us. I mean the feelings were still there on my part, and I felt like they were still there for my ex, we talked daily, we still flirted. We only broke up due to long-distance related issues. Though we had both started seeing other people about 2 months post breakup I did not see potential with anyone I started “talking to”. I thought I was going to be able to find someone and move on, or at the very least, start the process of getting reacquainted with and enjoying the single life. I went on dates, the people were kind and sweet. Almost, too kind and sweet, something I was not used to and something I didn’t think I wanted. Something, at the back of my mind, I felt I didn’t deserve. So that brings me to my backslide.
I have been talking to my ex everyday, we still flirted from time to time, a thing I clung to because it meant he was still interested in me, that his love for me was still there. But, and again I write for probably the 75 billionth time, SEX IS NOT LOVE! I think I need that plastered on my ceiling so it’s the first thing I read in the morning. Anyway we were flirting, sexting a bit when he drops the bomb on me...he’s starting to seriously date someone new. That fucking broke me. I knew I had to keep him interested to remind him of what we once were, what we could maybe be again. That started the virtual backslide. We FaceTimed, we talked, we were intimate. We discussed the past but he also discussed his present, his happiness with someone who wasn’t me. I felt pathetic. I had been actively avoiding moving forward for this inkling of hope that I had that this person, the only person I have heretofore loved, would somehow wait for us to see each other one last time. To wait for us to be together one last time. For one last kiss, for one last hug, for one last last time. But that’s not how life works. That’s not how these things go. This isn’t a fairy tale, this isn’t one of the romantic comedies that I constantly rewatch hoping and pining for that kind of love that will not leave me hanging. For the one person that is going to be there for me, forever.
Though I am re-heartbroken yet again, I have gained a bit of insight from this situation. Number 1, SHUT THE DAMN DOOR. When it’s over and you know it’s over, close the door. Clean break. Don’t try to stay friends, don’t say it’s the mature way to handle a breakup because in the end, someone is going to be hurt worse off than they were during the initial breakup. Number 2, don’t give up on yourself to make the other person happy. You’re the only one that matters at the end of the day. You’re the only one that has to answer to your own happiness. Don’t pretend you’re okay to spare the other’s feelings. Number 3, find something to focus on that is not another person. I wish I was a boss ass bitch who was able to be focused on myself and bettering myself but that has not been the case thus far, I need to learn how to love myself. Put your energy into you, you’re always going to be worth it. Finally, Number 4, don’t beat yourself up. Mistakes happen, people do regrettable things when they’re feeling low, but don’t let them define you and definitely don’t let them be the reason you don’t wake up and be the BAD ASS BITCH you are!!
