Conscious Healing For A Healthy Mind
From Olivia Pope’s iconic “it’s handled” line, to the real world, never-ending examples about how black women continue to to be on the front-line in order to “save America,”the strong black woman trope is real and prevalent. Even when Auntie Maxine, aka Congresswoman Maxine Waters self proclaimed her “strong black woman” title, we joined her in celebration and rejoice. And she was correct to do so. Even Beyoncé stating “I’ma keep running ‘cause a winner doesn’t quit on themselves” she refused to back down, just like many of the black women in America.
However, this loaded label can also promote this perception of unwavering strength, while simultaneously dismissing the presence of pain or struggle for black women who are strong and resilient. To always be expected to never show any emotions besides positivity and to show up and out and be the strong, loving, counterpart for partners, friends, family, and jobs is an overwhelming experience.
While living as a black woman in the midst of chaos that we refer to as life, it has taken me some time to realize it’s okay to not always be the superhero and ask for help, as others would ask of me for assistance. So I did some research and out found a therapist I was interested in going to.
“In the past, therapy was seen as indulgent, which historically doesn’t correlate with black women,” Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and the founder of Therapy for Black Girls (an online platform that seeks to make it easier for black women to connect with black female therapists).
In many black family households, therapy is not talked about, and if talked about, talked down on. Many elders of the black community are under the impression to some as if you reach out for help mentally, that there is something wrong with you or that you believe that you have a mental illness.
When first reaching out to mental health specialists for psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, the ones around me weren’t the most supportive. Phrases such as “What would you need a therapist for? Your life is just fine!”, “You’re only going to be told that you’re right”, “You think you’re bipolar or something?” Were phrases I’ve continued to hear even before I got to set up my first appointment. Dealing with post graduate depression and not wanting to go into the field I’ve gotten my degree in, as well as my general love life, my friends, family, and my aging dog who I love so dearly, having somebody who could help my process my emotions and help me strengthen my relationship with myself wasn’t a bad idea to me at all, what could I lose? So in August of 2019, I began my first therapy sessions as a young adult trying to navigate my life.
Walking through the mental health floor of a popular hospital I’ve been to many times growing up was a tad intimidating at first, but reaching room 306 and seeing an seemingly average, middle aged woman in average clothes, in an average office space, took off the nerves I had brought with me. To start off our first session, she asked me general questions, such as my hobbies and how would my friends describe me as a person. She asked about my school history, my family dynamics, the ways I take care of myself and how I interact with those of importance to me. I left feeling hopeful, yet strange. “Is this all therapy is, talking about myself and my habits? I could’ve done this with a friend!”
Nevertheless, ask and you shall receive. Moving forward, my therapist (respectfully) dragged me, read me for filth in the most supportive way that she could. Each session was different, depending on what I brought to her attention that day. From “How often are you getting tested?”, to “You can’t expect those you love to read your mind if you won’t even speak up for yourself”, she made sure she got her point across. I’ve had sessions where I’ve done nothing but cried and she tried to assist in the best way she could, and I’ve had sessions where I just talked about my simple day, where she had me set deadlines for the long term goals that she also helped me set. With the help of my therapist, I’ve re-enrolled in school in the actual major I’ve always wanted to be in, I let go of an on the way to toxic entanglement, I began transparently communicating with my friends and family (whether they liked the message I delivered or not), and I’ve realized that although I’ve been blessed with my dog, Kasie, for 16 years and counting, the circle of life cannot avoid him simply because I have unconditional love for him.
Is my life perfect, now? Not even close. As our relationship continued, the topics of our discussions got deeper. The known and unknown traumas of my childhood began to surface, my suicidal past came to light, and the unhealthy ways I’ve coped with my issues started to become embarrassing to speak on. There’ve been times where I felt so overwhelmed that I thought I couldn’t even continue the session, and times that I felt
she was missing the point of my simply to piss me off. On numerous occasions I’ve thought this woman only thought of me as an income, when her actions have shown differently due to how I was feeling. She still sometimes gets on my nerves, but has also
expressed through action how she only wants the best for me. A year and two months later and counting, seeing the loving, angry, pushover trying to carry everybody’s problems blossom the strong black woman the world knows me as except with healthy
boundaries, self esteem, and a new level of autonomy that I never knew I could reach, I’ve gained a new love for who I am and who I am becoming. I am now present in my life daily, even on the bad days, and continue to work on myself for myself.
She saved my life, not that I was planning to end it, but working with her, I’ve realized I was always living for others and never for myself.
Whether she knows it or not, she’s taught me way more than what she has verbalized,
and if you’re looking into finding a therapist, here are a few tips that will help you into your journey.
Be transparent with your therapist. More than likely, this is the first time that you’ve two met and to get the best experience and benefits from them, you have to be open and honest.
Show up for yourself. You’re in therapy to help yourself with whatever you choose, so only bring to therapy the issues that YOU find an issue.
Do not expect them to always agree with what you’re saying. From miscommunications to simply just disagreeing, they’re still their own person and not your personal yes man.
There will be days where you will not always like your therapist. Miscommunication and disagreements may happen, but it shouldn’t become a routine. If dislike becomes hate, find another therapist that fits your needs.
Expect unexpected changes. Going to therapy for one thing, tackling it, and bringing up other issues relating to one’s self can shine an entirely new outlook on how you carry yourself.
Moving forward, to my beautiful ladies out there holding the weight of the world on your shoulders, if the load feels too heavy, let it go. Do not let anyone call you a strong black woman as a dismissive way to not support you the way you support others. It is alright to distinguish yourself as a strong black woman, and also as someone who is deserving, and sometimes in need of, asking for help.
